Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Why? Why? Why?

Why, Why, Why!


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars;
but have to check when you saythe paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?


How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Marry a Woman from Texas

The first man married  a woman from OHIO. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house  cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.  

The second man married a woman from IOWA. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table. 
      
The third man married a gal from  TEXAS . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.  
Don't mess with Texas Women... 

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Gas - a little perspective please . . .

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

Lets put things in perspective. . .

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 .......$10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 .......$9.52 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25........ $10.00 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59............. $10.17 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 .............. $25.42 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15.......... $33.60 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ................$84.48 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ...... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ...... $123.20 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49......... $21.19 per gallon?!
$21.19 for WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source.
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water,
Snapple, Whiteout, Nyquil or Pepto Bismal.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Funny school drawing

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. 
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit.  I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it.  Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole.  It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs.  Smith

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Ouch!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"